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Poor Hilda, Poor Edward                 Christopher Shaw

Dear Alf,
As you know, things have not been easy at home for quite some time My dear wife, Hilda, can be, to put the most charitable light on it, rather difficult to live with.
For years the problem of her compulsive talking has been driving me crazy I can't even begin to count the hours I've had to sit and listen to Hilda's views on such diverse subjects as pig breeding, needlework, bus drivers, the price of carrots, cardigans, omelettes, women athletes, the decline of moral standards by members of the clergy, the probable causes of crop failure, who shot J R in Dallas, the problems with umbrellas and on and on and on I swear, there isn't a subject under the sun that Hilda has not, at one time or another had an opinion on You can imagine my embarrassment, then, at what happened during our local panto the Christmas before last.
    As you know, for many years Hilda has been involved in amateur theatricals This particular year she was in dispute with the producer about casting. Hilda wanted to play Jack's mother in 'Jack and the Beanstalk', and the producer wanted her to play the back legs of the cow. There was a compromise - she played the front legs of the cow. All went fine until the cow made its entrance. To put it bluntly, Hilda was jabbering incessantly. After about thirty seconds of this a little girl in the front row said in quite a loud voice, 'Mummy, why is that cow talking about oven gloves?' I was just so embarrassed!
    In the summer of last year Hilda, for reasons best known to herself, decided to embrace 'political correctness'. I wasn't too bothered by this at first, as it seemed to consist of nothing more than using ten words when one would do. The most memorable example came when we were returning from a coach trip to Bridlington. Hilda decided to try and start up a chorus of 'My Old Man's A Refuse Collection Operative', a song which included the line 'and he resides in a multi-storey, single level state owned dwelling'.

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