THE SWAP Chris Shaw
You hear about cases of wife swapping, don't you? I mean, I have heard rumours of it going on in Totley. Mind you, my brother's lived up there over twenty years and he's never come across it. He is in a badminton club, and they do play the occasional game of mixed doubles, but that's as far as it ever goes. But, like I say, you hear about wife swapping, but, for some reason, you never seem to hear about husband swapping.
I must admit, I'd never really given it that much thought myself. As far as I'm aware, it's never featured in Coronation Street. And, generally speaking, if something hasn't been on that programme I don't tend to dwell on it.
What set me off, though, was when I started to become friendly with Elsie Arbuthnot, down the road. We've both lived in this street for donkey's years, but, until quite recently, we've not had a great deal to do with each other. We've said the odd 'good morning' as we've passed, but that's been about the sum of it. She was widowed a couple of years back though, and since then, she's started being a bit more chatty with people around here. I would, generally, see her three or four times a week, usually while she was walking her dog. It's a beautiful Staffordshire bull terrier, called Sidney. It used to be her late husband's dog but when he passed on it's been up to Elsie to look after it.
My Jack and me have been married over forty-five years, and, to tell the truth, the novelty wore off a while back. Forty-four years back, to be exact. We've had a pretty unremarkable marriage. It could have been worse, but it could have been better, you know the sort of thing. We've never owned a dog. We did have a budgerigar at one time, but that was more than twenty years back.
Anyway, with my keeping on seeing Elsie and her bull terrier, it set me thinking. I really liked that dog, so when she said it was getting a bit much for her, my mind got into gear. I know for a fact she misses having a man about the house, because she's always saying so. The more I thought about it, the more sense it began to make: She misses the company of a man but is getting a bit fed up with looking after her dog, while I have a rather dull and unsatisfying marriage but would love to own her bull terrier. It began to seem as if I'd hit on a solution to both our problems.
The first thing I had to do, of course, was to try and persuade Elsie. For all I knew she might not be too keen on the idea. Just because she was lonely, didn't necessarily mean that my Jack would fit the bill. I mean he may not be her cup of tea. Let's face it; he hasn't really been mine for more than four decades. There was only one way to find out, though, and that was to ask her. I invited her around for coffee and cakes one Thursday afternoon. That's when Jack goes down the bowls club, and I thought it best that he be out. He'd only get under our feet if he were in. Besides, I didn't want him to get wind of the arrangements until everything was done and dusted. I broached the subject quite openly. It turned out that she was quite keen on the idea, from the start. In fact, I think she may have been thinking along similar lines herself, but wasn't quite sure how to raise the matter.
Now that we were both of the same mind, it was time to get down to practicalities. Something like this couldn't be done overnight and needed quite a bit of arranging. Elsie, and her late husband before her, had owned that dog since it was a puppy and it was now almost five. No doubt it had become quite settled at her house and could be reluctant to move in with me. Elsie and me decided it best to break it in gently. So, every Thursday, while Jack was at the bowls club, she would bring Sidney round to my house, so we could get acquainted with each other. There was a tricky moment one day, when Jack was a bit late leaving and Elsie arrived with Sidney on his lead. Still, he obviously didn't suspect what was happening, so no real harm was done. It took a few weeks, but Sidney gradually started getting used to me and we began to bond. ****Of course, it wasn't just Sidney that could prove to be a potential problem, there was Jack as well. He'd never been the sort of man to contradict me very much. Credit where it's due, he was a good husband in that respect. Even so, there had been the odd occasion over the years, and I had a niggling suspicion that this was exactly the sort of issue he might be awkward over. There were more practical problems to overcome as well. Elsie decided he would be sleeping in the spare room which, at that time, she used to store boxes of old ornaments and bedding in. It was rather dusty and obviously in need of redecoration, so the two of us spent quite a few weeks getting it in good order. We generally did it on either a Tuesday or Wednesday morning. I would explain my absences by telling Jack I'd joined a sewing circle, and, of course, he had no reason to doubt me.
All in all we were both very pleased with the new arrangements. Certainly, from my point of view, it worked out very well. I would certainly feel a lot safer at night with Sidney about the house. I mean, Jack isn't as young as he was and I'm quite certain that Sidney would be a lot better at tackling an intruder than he ever could be.
It then got to the point that all the preparations had been made and all that remained to do was inform Jack and make the swap. I was dreading that once I told him he would find some objection. Trust him to put a spoke in the wheels at this late stage after all the trouble Elsie and I had gone to. If he spoiled it now I would never forgive him. Elsie and me decided that Saturday lunchtime was the best time to make the changeover. Jack would be moving in with her at around twelve and, sometime later in the afternoon, when he'd settled in a bit, Elsie would bring Sidney round to me. I was going to tell Jack on Friday night but that would give him several hours to be obstreperous, so I decided on Saturday morning after breakfast. I already packed his cases with all his things in. The only things that weren't packed were his toothbrush and the clothes he stood up in.cont.... Next
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